


Whoops Whoops Whoops

by Hal_is_absolutely_not_ladylike



Series: Whoops [4]
Category: Leverage, The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Booker is sad and French and really nothing that Sophie cant handle, Human Trafficking, I will add more tags with chapters, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Torture, Multi, Sad Booker | Sebastien le Livre, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Tara is so done with these weirdos, Yelling, creepy nicky, does it count if the child was 42 in one case, i promise this fic is mostly light stupidity cannon is just so grim, implied / referenced past child death, its not super brutal, its the fiddle game but with a more literal sale, our intrepid heroes aren't actually selling people just trying to stop people who do, so they have to seem to, technically a two fiddle game, the Graphic violence is well its the old guard, the rest of the Levarage crew eventually, well references to it, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26507314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hal_is_absolutely_not_ladylike/pseuds/Hal_is_absolutely_not_ladylike
Summary: Some jobs need nine people...
Relationships: Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: Whoops [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893439
Comments: 18
Kudos: 120





	1. Chapter 1

It was bound to happen sooner or later, but when it did well it wasn’t ideal. They just needed more people on the grift for the job, and they needed to get it done fast and Andy didn’t so much grift as threaten to behead and Nile was still learning. The job wasn’t even a proper job, they didn’t have a client just information that Copley had sent to Andy that she had immediately sent on to them. So Parker made the call. It was a hard call but it was the right one, they had to do this job and they needed to do it immediately.

Hardison hadn’t stopped pacing since Eliot had suggested it.

* * *

“Just so y’all know this could go wrong in sooooooo many different ways. I can create identities all I want that doesn’t mean they will believe it, they are in the business they know everyone, they know every job!” Hardison couldn’t believe Parker had made this call, don’t get him wrong it was better than plan M but not by much.

“So tell them we did some things we actually did,” Joe said like that would set off so many more alarm bells.

“Yeah Sophie, Nate, Tara these are our friends, remember that wild totally unsolved slaughter in Merrick labs two years ago that was them… that will go over well.”

“No not that! Of course not that! Other things.”

“Oh what other things? The First Crusade!? The Peloponnesian War!? Invading Russia in winter!?” Hardison had not meant to include the third one on the list, they hadn’t told Joe and Nicky yet, but they needed more people and it was for kids.

“You are not suggesting-” Joe had picked up what Hardison was implying.

“Damn it Hardison!” Eliot had been working all day before they got there on a way to ease them in to accepting it. 

“We needed another person. And he’s family.” Parker didn’t look away from the dry erase board she had taped information about the mark to. (Hardison had told her he could just put it on the screen but she had wanted to hold it in her hands and place things just so herself.)

“Parker-” Nicky tried.

“End of discussion.” How Parker managed to sound both like a pissed off Nate and Andy giving and order Hardison did not want to know but it was freaky, and effective.

“But really though what are we supposed to tell them about you? How are we supposed to explain you?” Hardison tried to get them back on track.

It took half an hour of Joe and Nicky glaring holes in Parker's back but Hardison did eventually get them back on track. It took a while to weed out some of the older jobs that they wouldn’t have been able to do if Joe and Nicky were going to be as old as the identities Hardison had made for them, but all in all a nice list: they had hit the British Museum for some of Andy’s old things not that long ago (that apparently the museum hadn’t even discovered yet), the Bargello for a sword the Nicky had wanted back about five years earlier, the Museo Borghese a decade or so earlier for some of Joe’s drawings that had gotten away from them, along with a sprinkling of there more recent retrievals of stolen art for the descendants of the original owners, Joe had let something slip about planning to steal the actual David and well if Hardison left that out it was only to keep Sophie from trying to help. 

* * *

Things, of course, devolved again when Booker showed up.

Hardison knew that Eliot had promised not to kill Booker until they had finished the job but man was Alec glad not to be on the receiving end of that particular Eliot look. Parker had evidently not extracted any similar promises from Nicky, because as soon as Booker was within striking range Nicky pummeling him. Eliot had tried to pull Nicky off him and had gotten an elbow to the groin for his effort. So they all just kind of stood there and watched Nicky beat Booker, and he did not stop until Bookers face was well mush might be the best descriptor Hardison could give because yeah no he didn’t feel the need to puke right now, and he would have if he had looked at that any longer. When Nicky was done, he stood up and stared down at Booker as he healed panting.

“Damn it, you couldn’t have just shot him?” Joe asked from the couch digging out his phone.

“You bet on this?” Eliot sounded almost surprised.

“Andy was sure this would happen but Nile is still under the impression Nicky is the nice one in the family and one thing lead to another-”

“So you placed bets on how Nicky would kill Booker?” Hardison did not get these people sometimes.

“It fills the time.” He said matter-of-factly as he typed out a message probably to Andy and Nile letting them know how the bet had shaken out.

They sat for a few more moments in silence as Bookers face reformed. 

“Feel better?” Were the first words Booker managed to get out once he was alive again.

“Eat shit” Nicky bit back as he walked off to wash the blood off himself. 

“It’s so nice to be loved.” Booker said as Eliot helped him up.

“Don’t push it” Joe sat on the couch looking menacing.

Hardison did not think there were ever words in any language to describe the feeling in the room after that, Joe probably knew them if there were but he did not seem to want to share his feelings with the group beyond staring at Booker like he was planning his death in the most painful way possible, which he probably was and to be honest Hardison got it, if they had been there if Booker had gotten them kidnapped and tortured Hardison would probably be looking at Booker the exact same way, hell Eliot would probably have used a gun to kill him given the chance. It did not get better once Parker went in the bathroom and started arguing with Nicky in Italian (Hardison really had to get around to learning Italian he just knew it would take a whole week and kept putting it off) by the look on Joe and El’s faces it didn’t seem like it was going well.


	2. Fighting in a Bathroom

Parker knew she had to get them to work together, she had to be like mad Nate at Nicky and make him do what she wanted or the whole con would have to be scrapped.

“Are you going to be able to hold it together?” Parker asked as she closed the door.

“I should not have to hold it together! He should not be here!”

“We need him.”

“Get someone else! You can not trust him! He will betray us all again! It is what he does!”

“And you will invade Jerusalem and kill civilians it is what you do?” Parker countered.

“That was a thousand years ago! He betrayed us 2 years ago! 2!”

“Time is a relative concept.”

“Joe still has nightmares about me getting my head blown out! Andy has a scar the size of your fist from where he almost killed her!”

“We need him to do this. Children’s lives are at stake Nicky.”

“I know that don’t you think I know that!”

“Then act like it! Get your shit together! I need you, smart rational kind-eyed Nicky to pull this off not a rage filled lunatic who beats people to death with his bare hands!”

Nicky took a breath.

“You don’t have to be mad at him Parker, but I get to be. You didn’t have to watch the love of your life die strapped to a fucking table because of him, I did.”

“You think I’m not mad at him too!?”

Nicky looked at her like he didn’t believe her.

“You think I trust him? Do you?”

Nicky still didn’t look impressed, and something in Parker snapped and she just sat down, she couldn’t be Nate any more.

“Do you know about my brother?” It was half a whisper, she didn’t even know why she was saying this but she had to.

“Your brother?” Nicky sat next to her.

“We were- we were playing out by the road – we were little – there was – I was older I should have known better – I – didn’t see the car” Parker never told anyone about this, Alec and El only kind of knew because of that stupid mark.

Nicky waited, he was good at being quiet and still like this, she was glad she couldn’t do this if someone tried to push or ask questions.

Eventually she continued.

“After he – after – they blamed me – my parents – my real parents – they fought all the time – they didn’t want me – I tell people, I tell myself, that they died in a big explosion but they didn’t… they threw me away.”

Nicky looked like he wanted to say something to comfort her, but she squared her shoulders put up her walls tried to make herself be Parker again.

“No one wanted me after that – there was one foster family that tried, they said I was family… it only lasted two weeks, I made a mistake I did something I knew they wouldn’t like and that was it – the closest I ever got after that was Archie and he had his real family I was just an apprentice I wouldn’t have fit in with them.”

Nicky tried to take her hand but she pulled it away immediately.

“He hurt you, he broke our trust I Am Mad at him. But you don’t throw away family.”

“Parker-”

“If you get to be mad at him for breaking our trust I get to be mad at you for breaking our family.”

“Parker-” Nicky tried again to make her understand.

“Do you know what we do? Do you know why we didn’t come join you guys? Because Eliot wanted to he wanted us to all be together his whole family." She exhaled hard, secured her walls. "We help people. We find people suffering under enormous weights, people who have lost children, people who have been made to suffer by those with more money more power better lawyers, people like Merrick, and we provide leverage. We help people. You saw him suffering for 200 years, you saw him suffering even when he tried to hide it, and you did nothing. And when he finally broke under all that weight you kicked him out. I am mad at you, and Joe, and Andy, and Eliot because I love you and you could have done better, you could have helped. And I'm mad at me too because I didn't either.” Parker stood and walked out of the bathroom; she had a con to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parker does have emotions it just takes a lot for them to come out. (Also I do love the cannon that Parker killed her shitty abusive parents in a massive explosion as a child but well...)


	3. Chapter 3

This was going to be a mess Nate knew it.

“This is going to be a mess! I mean who are these people, Nico and Yusuf Zena and Booker what kind of a name is Booker! And no one has even heard of them let alone worked with them! I even called Sterling and he hasn’t heard of them!” He might have been pacing and shouting he didn’t mean to but he was, it wasn’t like there was much else to do waiting in the hanger.

“It’ll be fine. If Parker says their good then their good.” Sophie was perched on the small mountain of luggage she had brought with, never mind that it was a weekend trip for a 1-night job she needed options apparently. 

“But who are they!”

“Parker said they had worked with them before, that Nico helped them out when they needed a fourth for the Arizona shuffle a few years back, and that Booker worked with Eliot sometimes when they needed more muscle.”

“But Sophie-”

“Tara’s coming it’ll be fine.”

“That’s the other thing what job needs nine people! Nine! Way too many ways this can go bad.”

“Just what a girl likes to hear.” And there was Tara, this was going to be great.

“Nico and Yusuf Zena brothers or husbands what are we thinking?” Sophie was quick to ask trying to steer the conversation away from Nate’s anxiety spiral.

“Well they’re friends of Andy’s so, could go either way.”

“Friends of Andy’s!?” Sophie seemed excited; things just kept getting better.

“Yes.”

“the Andy.”

“Uh-huh”

“With the axe”

“Uh-huh”

“and the”

“Yes, Sophie that Andy. There is only one Andy in my past and it’s that one.” Tara looked like she regretted telling Sophie about this Andy and whatever they had done together, something involving an axe apparently Nate would have to remember to get Sophie to tell him the story after this was over.

“But really if Andy is friends with them then here fine, Andy is the best and she doesn’t suffer fools.” Tara was confident in her assertion, but then Nate had never known Tara to be anything other than confident in anything she did.

* * *

Later when Nate was hauling Sophie’s luggage in to the cargo plane they were apparently traveling in (not the private jet Sophie had clearly been hoping for when Parker had told them they would be picking them up in a private plane) Nate found honest to god swords. He was not drunk enough for this.

“Why are there swords here?” Nate sounded petulant, he knew it and he hated it but it was what it was.

“You know how I don’t do guns?” Eliot replied pulling another of Sophie’s bags into the plane.

“Sure.”

“Well Yusuf and Nico do swords as well as guns.”

“What – but – there is no way they are brining swords in to – we are going to a gala – this isn’t the middle ages you can’t just bring a sword into a party – who are these people? Are they stupid?” Nate was trying to whisper yell they were right there after all, definitively not brothers, chatting with Sophie and Tara like they hadn’t a care in the world (well Yusuf and Sophie were chatting Nico looked to have lost himself in thought looking at Yusuf [this was going to go so wrong so fast] and Tara seemed to be sizing Nico and Yusuf up [at least someone had their head in the game]). Maybe Nate could never be drunk enough for this it was insanity.

“It’ll be fine, we’ve done way riskier jobs than this one with far less planning.”

Nate did not say that the planning was not what he was worried about and he knew that Eliot knew that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nate has no faith any one who brings a sword to a con. Who brings a sword to a CON! (Joe and Nicky do of course). Also yes Joe and Nicky's fake last name is just the Ligurian for Genoa because Hardison would think that was funny and so do I.


	4. Oh Book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all this ones sad. I mean its Booker's POV so what did I expect. But really be warned all the traumatic events that go with Booker and also Nate are discussed in this one (probably far too lightly lets be honest they are both bad at dealing with their feelings) I would apologize for it taking so long and then being a downer but well I had to get properly Book drunk to write this and I have a real ass adult job and I do this for fun.

Booker wanted to die, not in the usual way (which was really becoming less usual since he had been seeing his therapists [Nile had insisted] but that was a thought for another time). No Book wanted to die in that way you do when you have had your flask nicked by a friend only to see someone else in the group you were with pull out a flask of their own and you know you can't ask for some… that way that’s not so much dying as sinking to the ground and crying because you have agreed to a horrible plan that’s gotten you killed once already (okay maybe you deserved it, no positive self-talk you don’t deserve to die for past mistakes you live and you learn and you grow from them). But really Booker should have said no when Parker called, he shouldn’t have even been talking to Parker (or Nile) it was meant to be 100 years in exile, not 100 years of Parker and Nile just down the phone line. But Parker had asked, had told him the stakes and he had said yes. So he was stuck on this shit plane without his flask watching Nate (he maybe hated Nate a little bit) take a pull from his own flask and sulked. Sulking might have led to what his therapists would call spiraling and what Book called Tuesday nights, lead to thinking that he deserved every bit of what Joe had yelled at him in that lab (what John-Pierre had yelled at him [and wasn’t that just fun the consequences of two worst ideas he’d ever had mixing together]) every crunch of Nicky’s knuckles against his head (he hadn’t even tried to fight he’s just let Nicky go to work he deserved it.) And now there were new people, fun.

So maybe Booker wasn’t in the best head space when Sophie (or was it Sophia? or Sarah? Tara? he was pretty sure it started with an S) who was supposed to be his partner for this con sat down next to him to strike up a conversation. She had apparently been holding up her end of the conversation for several minutes before she realized she hadn’t had his attention and got his attention, unfortunately she had also managed to get Joe’s attention too.

“Are you listening to me?”

“No, I apologize I was… somewhere else… I was-” Sebastian had learned (long ago when he was still Sebastian to everyone he knew, and his wife was still alive to be mad at him) that apologizing was always the best course of action when you weren’t listing to a woman. 

“Thinking only of himself.” Joe was oh so helpful, so quick with his words. “Thinking up a new way to betray us? Fresh plans to get us tortured?”

“That you and Jean-Pierre were right I am selfish sack of shit.” Booker smiled at Joe like it was his job, smile and smile and don’t let Joe know he knew it was the truth. (His therapists were going to be very upset with him.) Joe smiled right back at him, a smile that said go fuck yourself in a way that only Joe could say with a smile, Nicky though who was of course sitting next to him looked… pained maybe which was different, Nicky shouldn’t be bothered by his self-deprecation… Nicky had beaten him to death not that long ago. He turned to what’s her name “I am sorry you are out of the loop; Jean-Pierre was my son who died cursing my name because I could not save him and the last time I worked with Nico and Yusuf I got us kidnapped and tortured intentionally. Sebastian Le Livre, enchante.” Book offered his hand. She looked at him for a moment and then to his surprise took it.

“Do you have a therapist? Because if not I have a few I could recommend, Nate’s goes through them like it’s a competition.”

“I have a whole team.”

“So less likely to get us kidnapped and tortured intentionally?”

“Much less.”

“Good.”

* * *

The rest of the flight was the same mix of shitty and odd from there. It only got weirder when Nate came over and tried to offer him a drink.

“I hear were part of the same shitty club.” The whole plane must have heard his outburst but it was nice of Nate to act like what’s her name had told him instead of hearing Booker shout about his pain while trying to pretend it didn’t hurt. Still Booker hated Nate on principal and so didn’t respond. Eventually Nate got frustrated.

“Look do you want some whisky or not?”

“Parker took my flask.” If Parker wanted him to be able to drink unsupervised on the mission she would have left it, she didn’t set boundaries in the way that most people understood them but she did set them.

“AH, so you are in trouble then.”

“Only for the next 98 years and then I can begin to grovel.” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tara and Nicky get to work.

Tara’s life had gotten exponentially weirder since she took that call from Sophie all those years ago about some crew she was working with that Tara just had to help in her absence, now girls night’s might just be drinking or they might be flinging bombs out embassy windows, and sure there are lulls where she doesn’t see them for a while and just does regular criminal activity but at least once a year Parker calls her in to help on a job and doesn’t so much pay her in cash as stolen art or jewelry… Tara has a regular fence now. This job though was going to be a whole other level. First they were working with friends of Andy’s (now when Tara tells the story these days it sounds like a fun sexy weekend that netted her enough cash she probably could have gone straight if she wanted to but at the time felt more like a waking nightmare with occasional breaks to kiss seriously the hottest woman on the plant who had an axe [AN AXE! What was Tara supposed to do, not sleep with her?] and who knew how to use it.) Then it came out that one of Andy’s friends had betrayed the others and gotten them kidnapped and tortured and had shot Andy. They had found a whole new level of stupid.

So now Tara was standing in the line to get in to the party next to Nico. Nico who the only thing she knew about him was that he loved his husband, which he declared during Parkers explanation of the con (a double fiddle game of course because nothings ever fucking easy with Sophie’s stupid friends) on the plane:

“So Tara and Nico will be sell selling Yusuf-”

“Absolutely not. He is the love of my life I would never, I could never, cor meum” Nicky cut in.

“And you could sell me so easily?” Eliot had seemed almost offended.

“I would sell you to Satan for two corn chips.” Nico had replied the corner of his mouth lifting in what had to be the tiniest micro expression of a smile known to man.

“Okay so Sophie and Booker will be selling Yusuf, while Tara and Nico sell El” Parker had continued from there, Nico had said no more.

Yeah Parker better send her a big god damned diamond for this one, ten carrots or better.

* * *

“So.” She looked at him and tried to find any hint of a micro expression, there was none this guy’s ability to be a blank slate was unnerving, and barreled onward. “Russians?”

An eyebrow quirked for a half a second.

“Russians it is then.”

As soon as they were passed security, she flagged down one of the wait staff and order four shots of vodka.

“Try to keep up.”

Nico responded in what sounded like perfect Russian “Keep your tail up with a gun!” and proceeded to order 4 more shots of vodka. Tara was pretty sure that was an idiom (the other option was that this guy was just bug nuts crazy) but since her Russian didn’t extend far beyond threating people or flirting she had no fucking clue what it meant. 

They drank in silence and surveyed the room.

Suddenly Nico sneered “Bishops” his whole face scrunched in apparent anger and disgust.

“You got a problem with the Church Nico?” Nate questioned from the earpieces.

“He feels responsible for the atrocities they have committed.” Yusuf says almost the same time Nico said.

“I was a priest; I am allowed to dislike them.”

Tara had to fight not to look at him like he had just grown a third head, this guy just kept getting weirder and weirder.

They mingled for a few moments while they waited for Eliot to take the stage while surreptitiously scoping out their marks. They listened to Eliot Parker and Hardison have an argument somewhere backstage about where Hardison and Parker where actually supposed to be (getting in place for the lift [Eliot] vs. helping Eliot get ready [Hardison and Parker]) as well as if they were actually helping or just getting in his way (helping [Hardison and Parker] vs. getting in the way [Eliot]). They listened to Sophie and Booker (and wasn’t that a stupid name) start their grift.

Finally, finally, Eliot took the stage and started singing and they could start their grift. Their marks were smarmy in the way that all human traffickers tend to be, just the thinnest veneer of humanity trying to cover it, except they had the extra layer of entitled rich asshole added on top. Yeah Tara would have taken this job for free, crazy ass plan and all, these idiots needed to be taken out and Tara would relish doing it. 

Nico moved them closer so casually and angled his head just so. His Russian ancient was thick, but still clearly understandable for their idiot marks when he spoke.

“There is a warmth to his eyes, a softness in his soul, he may look like a brawler but he will break easily.”

“Nicholas someone will hear you.”

“So, I will break them as well darling.” He smiled in a truly unnerving way and moved his head around like he was a snake. She saw him make eye contact with the marks over her shoulder before he leaned in and cupped her face like he was about to kiss her and said

“It is nothing to break a person.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a while because Tara is apparently harder for me to write and Nicky's creep level had to be 100%. Also according to Babbel that is a real Russian idiom that would be used to encourage someone (I don't speak Russian so if it's bullshit let me know). 
> 
> For the first five days a was writing this from Nicky's perspective and it was just a little to silly here is some of that chapter that never was for flavor:   
> “But really Alec how is any one going to believe my Yusuf, who is a…” he paused to remember the phrase that Nile had used “Brick Shit House!” that might have been a bit too loud but he was proud of himself. Hardison that made a noise like he was choking to death on his own spit.   
> “How can anyone see my lovely Yusuf is anything but a threat?”  
> “I am a threat” Joe’s voice right in his ear was so nice. Nicky looked across the room just in time to see Joe smile blindingly at a woman who was near him and then mutter “boom pregnant!”  
> Hardison choked even harder and managed to ask  
> “Has Nile been updating your English vocabulary?”   
> While super fun not exactly the tone I was going for with this one.


	6. The other shoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophie's gut is never wrong.

The job was going fairly well all things considered if you asked Sophie. Really considering all the moving parts Parker had in play it was going quite smoothly, sure Nico had made more of a Choice than Sophie would have but he was pulling it of and Tara was playing along gamely, and maybe Sebastian was like Nate at his worst if you replaced the god complex with, a startling amount of, self-loathing. But really Yusuf was such a good fiddle that even Sebastian’s morose, incredibly French, sulking and grunting couldn’t hamper the con. And Eliot always was a lovely singer, so hearing that again was just a bonus.

Something was obviously about to go horribly wrong Sophie just couldn’t put her finger on it yet. For a while she had been convinced that it would be Sebastian, that he might pull an early Parker move and stab someone, but he was holding it together well enough to pass as just moody and mysterious in a French way. It had seemed for a second like Nico might try to physically fight the Bishops, but that was just a passing fancy and he was clearly far to professional and well-tempered to let his emotions get the better of him like that, Nate had muttered something about he and Yusuf having brought swords on the plane earlier but he must have been mistaken clearly they could hold their own in a fight (one had to form time to time in their profession, not if you were doing it well though needs must sometimes) but if either of them had ever killed someone she would eat her hat. Honestly Sophie was starting to get a little worried that it would be her that would fuck it up. 

Sophie was distracted from her musings by the need to actually do some work, looking interested while not really paying attention wasn’t good form when you were trying to get someone to trust you enough to buy a human.

“Ohhh, I’m not sure…” She paused, she was laying it on thick with the French accent and it worked better if she paused often as she spoke, “How do you say…” She turned to Sebastian “je n’sais pas” She pretended to think for a moment, and then smiled brightly, “AHH I have it! The financing is already lined up” she made the last p extra breathy. The men they were working were disgusting, which is to say they were eating up her breathy French accent and clearly imagining her in compromising situations. But the breathy French paid off (it always did, men are pigs).

“What ever it is we will double it-” Slimeball number started.

“Triple it if we have to.” The second one was eager to cut in.

“Yes, he will be prefect.”

“He is just what we need, the perfect gift.” This time slimeball number two leaned forward and caressed Sophie’s forearm (he was very lucky she didn’t headbutt him for that but it was close).

Thankfully Sebastian remembered he was meant to help and moved forward to talk to the men about the actual finances (or more appropriately get the details for the accounts Hardison would be partially draining and partially alerting the proper authorities to later in the evening [the IRS and SEC and FBI were about to have a very busy few weeks once this party was over]).

Sophie turned and motioned Yusuf to come over so they could really close this deal and find another set of marks. Then just as she turned back, she saw it. The other shoe. Jesus, at least the guy was handsome.

There walking in to the party full of human traffickers, probably on the arm of one, was Maggie.

Bugger it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news folks I have a plan for this now and I know how it ends, I haven't written it but its more than I had last time I put up a chapter.


	7. the other other shoe

Hardison’s coms had gotten much better over the years, it turns out Copley had skills outside of research and finding jobs from time to time. To make a long, and very technical, story short the coms could now also be used to communicate via tapping like a telegram you could just tap on the bone behind your ear if you couldn’t speak and everyone would get the message, Hardison had even figured out a code that translated the taps into speech automatically. He wasn’t expecting to need it for this particular mission, honestly it was mostly used by Parker when she was in vents and didn’t want to talk. He was really just focusing on not listening to the deeply disturbing things Nicky was saying about how to break and unmake a person (suddenly 100 years alone and being beaten to death sounded like Nicky being nice to Book) and Joe’s incessant flirting (it didn’t sound practiced but it did sound like things he would have said to Nicky more than anyone else in the room). He was only even in here to help Parker with the guards that were on rounds (these assholes ran a tight ship security wise, but pretending to be a lost couple making out was a lot more fun when you knew what it meant) and not with the actual breaking and entering, but well it never hurt to learn a little so he was here observing and holding things for Parker. That is to say the taps caught him by surprise, and the message was not great either.

Three short taps a space then three long taps a space then three short,

And then:

Two long taps a space one short one long a space two long one short a space two long one short a space two short a space one short

SOS

MAGGIE

Fuck.

Suddenly there were a lot of voices

“What?” Book

“Where?” El

“Who is Maggie?” Joe

“We have another problem.” Nate

“Sophie can you run interference” Parker

“Are you talking about Doctor Collins? Why is she here? She told me she had a shady ex-husband is this him?” Nicky’s Russian accent was perfect even in sotto voice, of course it was.

“Peggy is here where?” Joe again

“You know Maggie?” Tara

“New plan Nico you run interference, everyone else finish the sale and get out of there we have enough-”

Wait.

“Wait, hold on, Nate what did you say?” Hardison cut Parker off and shot her an apologetic look.

“We have another problem; they have a bunch of children in a sub-basement none of them look over 10 but the views on the cameras keep switching and I lose view how do I make the views stop switching Hardison” Nate sounded like he was going to yell in a moment. Parker looked at him wide eyed for a second and then blinked and nodded and he took off running.

“New plan: Yusuf Eliot get to the sub-basement Hardison and Nate will be on cams, Nate Hardison is on his way to you, Book go get us something to get the kids out of here in, Sophie Tara make a scene a big scene. Nico go tell Maggie these words exactly: Parker says your taste in boyfriends has not improved but at least you don’t need a second fugitive bag yet, and then get her out of the building. Go.” 

It didn’t take Hardison long to get Nate’s view up on his phone and find what Nate had seen, and shit.

“There’s like 20 kids down there and like 50 goons in between them and the only exit.” Hardison started typing faster as he made his way through the halls, he found the schematics for the sub-basements and found what level the kids were on and before Sophie could get half way through what sounded like a long loud first salvo in what would probably end up being a screaming match with Tara he had all the cameras up for Nate and the plans on a second screen.

“Okay Nate, you should be able to see everything I will be there as soon as I can, El they're in sub-basements 4 on the left side behind the boiler roo-” which is of course when he walked right in to the chest of one of the damn security guards.

“STOP”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?”

“WHERE DID HE COME FROM?”

“GET HIM.”

Make that three guards. yaaaay. And then Hardison got to find out how much it hurts to headbutt a real person in the head, and not just the practice dummy the Eliot insisted he use, it turns out it hurt A Fucking Lot.

The ensuing fight took far longer that Alec would ever admit, and may have at one point involved him biting someone (also not something he was going to cop to), and definitely left him way out of breath, but it also ended with him pistol whipping the last goon with the gun he had lifted from the goon he had headbutted mid headbutt so that was cool.

“Age of the Geek Baby!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long January was crazy work wise and I decided to write the next chapter at the same time I was writing this one which is a bad plan do one thing at a time. Also not 100% on Maggie actually having a doctorate its been a minute since I watched the second David job but I was pretty sure she was actually a phd.


	8. Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes

Joe knew this was going to go to shit the second Booker had walked in. He hadn’t expected to be actually using the swords they had packed at the last minute, Eliot’s distaste for guns did not extend to Nicky’s rifles but the same could not be said for Joe’s lovely tactical shotguns so to avoid having the same argument for the 45th time Nicky had asked nicely (he had used the puppy eyes damn him) that they pack something else and swords were what they had so swords it was. Never the less here he was with Eliot about to work their way through just a stupid number of goons (really, he got why they might need the man power but 50 goons? Who needed that many?).

“Are we killing them or not?” He was mostly asking Eliot, but Nate who could apparently see them was the one who alerted them to the goons and their hostages. It was polite to ask at least what level of violence the audience would be comfortable with.

“Heavily maim them at least cor meum, they kidnap children.” Nicky sounded like he was jogging, good the sooner he got there the better they would need help getting the children out of there.

“There is only one way in and out, do as much damage as you can with as little blood as possible. We have to get kids out of there without scaring them for life any further.” Nate interjected. It was a good point.

And so, he and Eliot got to work.

Non-lethal and not overly bloody was a bit tricky with a scimitar, with any sword really it would have been a challenge. Eliot had left Nicky’s in its scabbard and was using it like a bat, which seemed effective for him but not really Joe’s style. Knees and ligaments would have to do they, those usually weren’t too bloody, hopefully that would hold true this time. 

He could hear Nicky muttering in Italian trying to make his way to them and Nate trying to give him directions occasionally but it was easy enough to tune them out and focus on the task at hand. It had been 20 years since he had fought by Eliot’s side and it felt like four times that easily and yet also like no time had passed. They were making their way through the hall with surprising ease apparently the scum had decided to go for quantity of guards over quality, a classic mistake Joe had seen innumerable times in his long life. Or maybe it was Eliot who was making it seem easier. Fighting together just felt right, it felt easy, it felt… Joe did not have the time to continue that thought as he saw a gun just a second too late to do anything more than turn.

Fuck

Getting shot in the shoulder always sucked.

He liked this suit.

Nicky had picked it out for him.

Nile had said his ass was Poppin in the pants. Well he could probably keep them if he didn’t bleed too much but-

“SHIT!”

Oh fuck Nate could see them! Joe looked like a deer in the headlights as Eliot disarmed and incapacitated the gunman and gave him a look that said damn it Joe don’t blow this.

“OWWW mother fucker” he tired as he dropped his right hand from the hilt of his sword, he would have to do the rest of this one handed… fun.

Apparently, the sight of a man getting shot and not stopping coming for them scared the remaining 20 or so guards because while they fought more ferociously than the ones that had already been incapacitated, they also made more mistakes. The fighting was over by the time his shoulder had fully knit itself back together.

And in time for his beloved’s arrival.

“My love”

“YOU IDIOTS!”

“Hey I-”

“You Nothing Eliot! You Let Him Get SHOT! And you haven’t even dressed it yet! Is my love just supposed to bleed out or are you going to do something about it?”

“Uh well-” Eliot was clearly not as used to being dressed down by Nicky as he once had been.

“Madre di Dio I have to do everything myself.” Having his shoulder (which was fine) angrily bandaged by his husband (who knew this) because there was a person watching them though security cameras who didn’t know they were immortal was a novel experience for Joe though not one he would care to repeat.

Once Joes shoulder was thoroughly and uselessly bandaged, they made their way quickly to the children.

Oh the children.

If Joe lived another millennia and never saw another child in a cage it would not be enough to wipe the images from his memory. 20 petrified children crowded together in a pen maybe 15 feet squared surrounded by chain link fencing 15 feet high. He should have just killed the guards they didn’t deserve to live if they were willing to do this.

The sight of it was jarring. The theory of what they were stopping was one thing this the reality of it was another. 

“We will get them out you and Eliot will lead them to the transport and I will clean up behind you.” Nicky was clearly thinking the same thing.

The lock was nothing, it was getting the children to trust them to come with them that would be the problem.

Parkers voice came over the coms

“El Haagen Dazs” What the hell that meant Joe would have to find out later because it caused Eliot to squat down to the level with the children and speak.

“How would you like to go get ice cream and never come back here again?” That was not what Joe was expecting Eliot to say, it was apparently the right thing to say judging by the cheer the children let out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The number of things I had to google for this because my spelling is just that bad is almost enough to be concerning, dyslexia my friends can be a real bitch sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all writing a con is hard as hell which is why this has chapters. Also the con bit might be more snippets of a con... I don't know yet.


End file.
